Recently, I have seen an alarming number of young Christian men and women who are feeling stuck and not getting engaged. Let me explain. 

You have finally found someone you are serious about, but how serious are you really? Maybe you feel relieved to have made it through the gauntlet of modern romance. The game of exchanging social media interactions, giving your phone number, and finally spending time with this person, and building a genuine friendship. Maybe you were lucky enough to meet someone at work or Church. All this has led to the question, Do I want to marry this person? Can I start a family and spend the rest of my life with this person? Over the past 10 years, I have seen, pastored, counseled, and been in small groups with a number of young adults who have gotten stuck just before getting engaged. 

A few years ago, I had a conversation with a twenty something year old male that looked like this. The young man told me that he had dated this girl for six months to a year. They went to the same church and had the same beliefs. He was just not sure she was the “one”. I responded that I didn’t know who God wanted him to marry or if she was the “one”, but I was curious about what questions he was asking to determine if he was ready to get engaged or not. I told him that most of the young men I interact with about this topic 

overemphasize romantic love. 

Romantic love asks these types of questions: Are we “in love”? Is she or he the “one”? Is there anyone else out there I could be happier with? Will we still have chemistry down the road? How does she make me feel? In other words, physical beauty and feelings dominate ninety percent of the conversation you have with yourself in your head. You could sum up a lot of these questions under the banner of “do we have good chemistry?” God certainly created people’s looks, personalities, and feelings, and by design, those things help us start the relationship, but that category of chemistry is not going to help answer the question of whether I should get engaged to the person or not. If chemistry were 90% of the puzzle, divorce rates in Hollywood would not be what they are. 

I told the young man, Let me introduce you to a new category that helps balance the scales of romantic love. When you ask older men who have been happily married for 30 to 50 years, they never say that her looks and my feelings led to 50 years of a happy marriage. Mature love is what happens when feelings fade at times. Mature love asks a different set of questions. Romantic love, it could be said, is something you experience. Mature love is something that takes time to learn and educate yourself on the other person’s convictions, values, and beliefs. 

Let me give you 5 questions to ask before you get engaged that will help you be sure. This list is not meant to be exhaustive or cover every biblical principle, but rather is antidotal to counteract modern dating. 

1. What am I called to? What is she called to? 

Are you ready to give up your single life and start a new family? Yes, even before you have kids, when you get married, you are starting a new family. The Bible describes this in Genesis 2 as “leaving and cleaving”. Leaving your family to start a new one is hard, but leaving your singleness and freedom to do whatever you want is also scary.

2. Do I see her being the mother of my kids? Do I see him being the father of my kids? 

It sounds simple, but it’s not. Do I think this woman has the character I want taught to my kids? Do we hold the same biblical values and convictions? If we have kids, I am at work all day, will she teach them the biblical values I hold? 

3. Do I see myself being a part of her or his family? Do I see her or his parents as grandparents to my kids? 

All the rage right now is with attachment styles. Which one are you, and how does that affect our relationship? There is value in this, but let me point you to the person’s family of origin as a greater source of insight. Have you gotten to know her family? How does her mother treat her father? Do you think they overall hold your values and beliefs? If you are a Christian and her parents are atheists, are you comfortable with that? 

4. What does counsel say? Have we dated in isolation? 

You need people in your life that you trust to tell you something you may not want to hear, or reveal a blind spot. If no one knows the person you are thinking about marrying, there is a good chance you might have some blind spots. Do we have a local church where people who know your story and can walk beside you in the process of doing premarital counseling and those early years of marriage? 

5. Do we have the tools to resolve conflict? 

We all tend to think of ourselves as emotionally mature people who resolve conflict, but how do you know? Some of the finest people I have met struggle to be adjustable. Does she have friends with good character? If you see a string of unresolved conflicts with family and friends, I would say that person might not have the tools to resolve conflicts that are needed for marriage. 

It takes time to get to know someone’s character. You have to observe it. You don’t just tell the person, “I have good character.” Character, you observe as they do life and react to it.

By James Pittman, LMFT